In My Own Strength

While last Saturday, with the birth of our second son, was one of the best days of my life, there are a few key moments from that day I'm pretty disappointed about. For about 1 minute or so, I had to sit down in the delivery room. Any other minute would have been fine, but this turned out to be the minute between Sara's final pushes and Caleb's entrance into the world.

With her contractions becoming regular and intense, Sara and I were up all Friday night and went in to the hospital around 4 AM. When we got to the hospital, we found out that Sara couldn't eat anything from there on out, until Caleb was born. For the most part, due to the way a sleepless night makes me feel un-hungry and also in not wanting to eat in front of Sara when she was feeling quite hungry, I didn't eat much of anything all day.

Around maybe 3:00 or so, I ate a quick hamburger and drank a Coke in the waiting room. Sara started pushing around 3:30; I want to say she only had to push through like 5 contractions. I was by her side through the first 4, telling her she was doing a great job and to keep going and all that jazz, and right after the next to last contraction, I got really light-headed, nauseous, and dizzy. I felt like I was either going to throw up or pass out, so I left Sara's side to sit in the chair near the bed. A few seconds later, Sara has her last contraction, Caleb came out, had his cord cut by the doctor, and was placed on the thing where he had to be suctioned by a neonatologist (there was merconium in his amniotic fluid)...all the while, I was doing the last thing I hoped to be doing in those moments, sitting with my head in my hands and a wet cloth on the back of my neck, trying to get it together so I could stand up again.

All turned out well, they said Caleb's lungs sounded good, and within a minute, I was by Caleb's side, holding his hand with my left hand and videotaping with my right as he cried his first cries. (It was pretty cool how he calmed down and seemed to listen in response to my voice) And I realize that, even if I had been standing by Sara's side, there's a good chance I would not have gotten to cut his cord b/c of the urgency of getting him to the table to be suctioned b/c of the merconium...but I feel like God was using this experience to teach/remind me of a very important spiritual/life principle: I will never be all that my wife and children need me to be, or all I hope to be as a husband and dad in my own strength. I feel like God was using these moments to remind me of the vital importance of "feeding" myself spiritually in order to serve my family well.

When I was younger and life seemed less busy, I was pretty good about consistently spending time with God in prayer and Bible study. I know that God used those times to give me key direction in my life and to change the way I think about a lot of things. In recent years, I've become much more inconsistent, at best. I don't want to be a guy who falls down for his family in the critical times; I want to be the husband Sara needs and the dad Gabe and Caleb need...but I've had a fresh, gentle reminder that I cannot do this on my own. Instead, it's only as I grow in my relationship with God and allow Christ to live through me that this will be possible.